February Wrap-up: The Conversation, Part 3

Wise commitments do not bind us; they free us. …To the spiritually mature, commitment is the equivalent of freedom because it bestows authentic happiness that cannot be taken away.

~Rev. Michael Beckwith

Welcome back, Dish-friends (Dish-network was already taken, lol!). It's that time when we wrap up our monthly topic and take away some food for thought. We began February’s blog with the cherishing images of some well-known Black couples, people who are making history, and some of their views on marriage--commitment. We went on to courageously acknowledge the “inconvenient truth” about the current state of Black families and relationships and how we can deal with those issues through open, honest, constructive discussion. In the most recent blog we looked at the core needs of men and women in relationship, and some important considerations when partnering up. We arrive now at our concluding discussion: the path of commitment as a means of freedom and authentic happiness.

Man-Up!
Rounding out the facilitation of his quest to saying “I do” in The Conversation, Hill had some passionate words to share with his male peers in the realm of commitment. In Chapter 19, aptly titled “Man-up!” he says unequivocally “we’ve failed in the area of Black male responsibility and accountability. We as men need to have the courage to check the behavior of our friends, or we will never see a change in the way Black men and women relate.” That seems well-placed, but boot-strapping is not often enough to create lasting change without repetitive modeling of desired behavior. Put in terms of rewards and disappointments: a habit or behavior cannot gain cultural significance unless it is being conditioned or reinforced consistently. In this light it leads us to think about how and where we learn relational self-efficacy, that is, our ability to create and maintain enduring relationships.

A quick internet search led to this gem on how we may learn to make and keep commitments, the essence of enduring relationships. It might not be empirical but it summarizes what could be the essence of what we know about making and keeping commitments. Remember that poem “Children Learn What They Live,” well, for adult children (learning) the lessons of a lifetime, commitment comes to these three steps:

• Doing what's important, not just what feels good.
• Committing to a worthwhile endeavor because it's worthwhile, not just because it's easy or convenient...
• To not be quitters in the game of life, we must (heed the lessons) whether (we) like it...or not.

From this perspective we gather that commitment is not just fun and games; it doesn’t always feel good, nor is it easy or convenient at times, and we might not like the demands it makes of us at times. When you think of commitment on these terms, what does it mean to you? What feeling is evoked when you contemplate committing yourself to an activity, person, or institution? What does commitment mean to you in the context of relationship, particularly couple relationships? Chances are to think of spending any length of time with the man or woman of your dreams, the love of your life, on these terms might give you pause. And that is why Hill says, “man up!”

Commitment = freedom and authentic happiness. 
According to Encarta World Dictionary, a commitment is:

• something that takes up time or energy: responsibility 
• devotion or dedication, e.g. to a cause, person, or relationship: loyalty
• a planned arrangement or activity that cannot be avoided: pledge 

These meanings suggest proactive, conscious choice-making as in making a promise, a vow; that is, giving your word, assurance, or allegiance, and having a sense of steadfastness, faithfulness, or staunchness to back up what you say. 

In a different mode commitment describes: an act of legally confining somebody to prison or a mental healthy facility. This is as if to say commitment can seem like a living hell, restrictive and ‘crazy-making,’ if either or both parties feel physically or mentally trapped. In that sense, commitment becomes an obligation, binding, a duty, liability or charge. Scary. The choice is yours, which would you choose? (I hope that is a no-brainer.)

Choice…choice gives us freedom in whom or what we decide to devote our time and energy. In The Conversation, Hill shares a quote from Rev. Michael Beckwith on commitment: Wise commitments do not bind us; they free us. …To the spiritually mature, commitment is the equivalent of freedom because it bestows authentic happiness that cannot be taken away. But, you might wonder, how can commitment be “an equivalent of freedom that bestows authentic happiness,” if it “doesn’t always feel good, nor is it easy or convenient at times, and we might not like the demands it makes of us at times.” Haven’t we already acknowledged that the purpose of living is to be happy? What makes authentic happiness different from just being happy?

The definition of a happy couple is as elusive as the unicorn, perfect and seemingly out of reach. Search for a concise definition of a happy couple, albeit relationship, and what you will find are descriptors of what “people who are happy,” who are in a relationship, are doing that appears to enable them to derive mutual enjoyment in the relationship. We can get quickly to the point that there is no “happy relationship” out there waiting to be discovered. Rather, being happy with ourselves (authentic happiness), and the ability to share happiness with others increases the likelihood of a happy relationship. Authentic happiness is, then, simply understanding how our past (enduring qualities) affects our present (who we are now), and making thoughtful choices that aligns us with the best, most effective life, and relationship we can have.

To support this view of couples and relationship as “being and doing” Drs. Julie and John Gottman, founders of The Gottman Institute, and leading experts in couples research and therapy agree that successful (happy) couples engage in a range of distinguishable behaviors. Happy relationships thrive in a climate of positivity generated by each partner. Happy relationships have these seven qualities:

• A Fondness and Admiration System, in which the couple is affectionate and clear about the things they value and admire in the other. 
• Love Maps or a good knowledge of the partner's world (work, family, self) and showing an interest in it during non-conflict times.
• Acceptance of Influence, so partners (typically men) can accept the desires and wishes of their partners (typically women). A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well. 
• Repair Attempts or efforts to make up by using humor or conceding a point (there's about one effort every three minutes for most couples) 
• De-escalation of hot emotions and efforts to compromise 
• Bids for Affection or efforts to connect through a shared joke, a quick kiss, or a quiet smile that is returned 
• A lack of Gridlock on problem issues by finding the underlying reason for the conflict and finding a way to meet both partner's needs

If you are fortunate, you will have as Hill does, some real life couples who embody and demonstrate these qualities of happy marriage and relationship. The models for his future family relationship are his maternal and paternal grandparents: “people who are committed to their mates and to the forward motion of their community and their family.” In his grandparents' marriages, Hill was able to reconnect to the love, stability, and purposeful examples of Black couples effectively loving each other, having a family and belonging to a larger community. Hill was able to discover his own relational self-efficacy simplified in an easy mantra Three to be Free: 

• Use the past as a guide not a guarantee: "I never want to forget about the hardships and sacrifices endured by those who came before us, so that we might have the opportunity to build lives together as successful, happy, and healthy Black families."
• If you don’t mean it, don’t say it: "this is a big one. Think before you speak…when you pledge to do something, you’re expected to uphold that commitment."
• Laugh, dance, and let your feelings show: "people are scared of vulnerability, but there is nothing that can compare to the power and beauty of love, of allowing ourselves to love and be loved." 

And with these keys in mind, The Conversation is turned over to you… 

This, friends, concludes our February topics, romance and Black History Month. Through discussion of author/actor Hill Harper’s The Conversation, we explored the inconvenient reality of historic trauma in the Black community and how it manifests, particularly, its impact on Black marriages and families. We pressed on to redeem ourselves through corrective recapitulation of who we are in spite of the past, and making a honest appraisal of what we truly need to be happy as individuals, potential life partner, parent, and contributor to our communities. To support this endeavor we faced up to the responsibility aspect of commitment but only to reveal what it means to be authentically happy in life and in relationship. And of course, it wouldn’t be DeepDish if we didn’t send you off with food for thought, your February “goodie bag,” which includes some relationship quizzes, compliments of The Gottman Institute. These should add some good talking points in your journey through dialogue.

Thank you for reading and for joining us in conversation…

Our future is divinely written and it is amazing and overflowing with love! 

We deserve it. We will have it. Trust and believe.

~Hill Harper

Additional Resources:

1. 
   
   Intimacy Quiz
2. 
   
   Bids for Affection
3. 
   
    The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
4. 
   
   Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
5. 
   
   The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
6. 
   
   And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives

Hill Harper's "Inconvenient Truth" on the State of Black Families & Relationships, and How We Can Move Forward: The Conversation. Part 1

The most we can do to rebuild self-esteem and trust is to continue having conversations with others while concentrating on our shared values, beliefs, and commitments.

 ~Hill Harper

 Part 1.

 Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed your Valentine’s Day, and your celebration was meaningful. My weekend was fun, thanks to the unusual snowfall in the Southeast. Our winter wonderland was perfect for a cosy fire, some good wine, and heart-warming comfort food. Besides going out for an urban snow shoot (Eye of Horus, left), the weather conditions made for a good time to resume writing for our topic of the month--romance and Black history. 

In the previous blog we began our discussion of Hill Harper’s new book, The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships. A Harvard graduate, accomplished author and actor, Hill tackled this journey of discovery with thoughtful, objective inquiry. Hill starts right from the beginning with what I’ve summed up as the "inconvenient truth" of the current state of Black families and relationships:

• we seem to be regressing.
• socio-economic, trans-generational psychological factors (stress/conditioning), a deficit of emotional (trust, anger, vulnerability) and spiritual (self-worth, decency, character, kindness) factors affecting our ability to connect.
• sharp decline in children being raised in two-parent households.
• black women are viewed as angry, distrustful, ball-busters (my shorthand).
• black men are viewed as irresponsible, cheating, ne'er-do-wells who expect the world but hardly bring anything to the table; and when they do have something to offer they take it elsewhere (as well my paraphrasing)
• four decades of shrinking Black relationships.
• inherited cultural & emotional baggage
• self division & mistrust

 Any of these are hot-button issues some might avoid in discussion, however, Hill invites us to do just that by engaging “The Conversation.” By featuring this book on DeepDish, I am in essence saying I’m up for it. Are you?

Journey of Discovery
The beauty of universalizing experience is that we can share it and make a difference in others' lives. The Conversation facilitates us through Hill’s journey to confront these inconvenient truths, separate myth from reality, and arrive at a sober, pragmatic grown-up approach to relationship in the Black community.


Like many journeys of discovery, The Conversation began with a private conversation, the conversation with the person staring back in the mirror. In a moment of self-awareness, accountability, and refreshing authenticity Hill acknowledged that the change we seek begins with ourselves, who we are, and how we are showing up in the world. The foundation of an enduring, fulfilling relationship begins with “aligning what we say with what we mean and what we do.” Instead of looking for “the right one,” start by being the right person. This radical makeover requires debunking the myths, memes, and misconceptions of Black love/relationships (presented in the book in juicy voyeuristic style). The purpose of this soul-searching reality check is so we can each take responsibility to quit negative, derogatory, destructive talk about ourselves, our race/community, and our relationships. Having cleansed our psyches of self/mate-defeating attitudes we are then ready to fill the void with constructive expectations that can generate the healthy, fulfilling relationships we deserve.


Evaluating Hill’s research from a philosophical view led me to revisit a paper written in graduate psychology, Healing Historic Trauma in African-American Communities, which likewise proposed corrective recapitulation through group discussion. Great ideas inevitably find their time (and affinities). Historic trauma is conceptualized as a “behavioral toxin” resulting from premeditated race-related violence, that causes fear, anxiety, and stress, and affects the psychosocial functioning of individuals and communities. As well, cumulative retraumatization in the form of overt and covert prejudice and discrimination contribute to intergenerational transmission through families and the social environment of those who experienced historic trauma first hand. Particularly relevant in the case of unresolved historic trauma is that avoidance of communication, denial and repression, has detrimental physical and psychological effects. Silence had as much impact as open discussion. The conclusion of research is that to salve the painful process of integration of historic traumatic experience a socially approved structure is conducive to legitimize and memorialize extreme, sustained trauma.


Historic trauma in context of our discussion is the same as what Robin and Don Watkins (that heroic couple in The Conversation) referred to as “the Black American experience.“ It is symptomatic in what Hill described when he stated, “we seem to be regressing; socio-economic, trans-generational psychological factors, and a deficit of emotional (inherited cultural and emotional baggage) and spiritual factors (self division and mistrust) affecting our ability to connect.” The crucial value of considering these realities is that knowledge empowers. Rather than allowing unresolved injustices to immobilize us, we can take charge of the opportunity to demonstrate our own resilience and resourcefulness. Other communities have done it; so can we. Hill astutely arrived at a similar conclusion that only thorough open, honest communication with a focus on “shared values, beliefs, and commitments” can we gain health and resolution.


Exhale! Wooo! I know, confronting the issue of historic trauma head-on might feel a bit heavy in the afterglow of the weekend celebration of hearts and flowers. However, since it is also Black History Month, reframing “the Black experience” as a universal experience of historic trauma serves well to enlighten, and give focus on how to move forward confidently in making commitments, be it to go for that second date, or the renewal of vows. Given his activism to foster self-esteem and determination through his foundation, Manifest Your Destiny, celebrity author/actor, Hill is naturally a likely leader to facilitate the framework proposed. I’ve been very excited to witness the surge of support on Twitter and Facebook for this installment of Hill’s career. From individuals sharing their personal insights to the swell of book clubs and book signings, The Conversation is clearly making the intended impact. But this is not a book that you breeze through and put aside, it is something to be worked through…over time.


In view of my own findings, I would like to see permanent, enduring installations around The Conversation's major themes: integration of historic trauma on a personal and community level, honesty (and clarity) in articulating our needs and values, our personal responsibility in upholding commitments, beliefs, and shared values, and the path of commitment as a means of freedom and authentic happiness. We’ve just covered the initial part--the diagnosis, if you will, the observable factors we are looking to modify. Let's stay together as we discuss the remaining themes in the next two blogs. In the meantime, get a copy of The Conversation, if you haven’t already. You might also gain more by joining the a book club, Twibe, or Facebook group online or organizing one in your community.


Thank you so much for your repeat patronage. Have a superb week.

An individual has not started living

until he can rise above the narrow confines

of his individualistic concerns

to the broader concerns of all humanity.

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

February: The Conversation is about Romance & Black History Month

It might have been easier to finish this review before I got immersed in the romantic fantasy of Paulo Coelho’s Brida for the past few days. Don Coelho is a masterful storyteller and his particular cadence is just irresistible. Irresistible and perfect for the season of hearts, flowers, romance, and relationships. Yes, it’s February, and that means Valentine’s Day.


February also commemorates the many achievements and contributions of Black people to civilization. Here, in America, Black History Month is an important time of remembrance for the many remarkable individuals who defied great adversity to make possible many of the privileges we now enjoy. As the familiar, sometimes surprising identities are called out for recognition, Black History Month evokes the memory of a passionate, electrified time for Blacks in America.

One of the most powerful images from African-American history is that of the Black family: strong, proud, protective, and nurturing. Remarkably, until recently as we got to know, and now have in view, the special family now residing in the nation’s capital, the First Family, that image of the African-American family was fast becoming a nostalgic one. So with romance, and a very present image of historic coupling in mind, we now extend our focus on people that matter into the substance that bonds and keeps us together: relationships. Let the conversation begin.

In his newest book--The Conversation: How Black Men and Women can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships, author/actor Hill Harper engages an ambitious and noble vision, not only looking to form quality couple relationships, but to create a sense of togetherness, to build community. Drawing on a waning era of connectedness and empowerment in Black families and the Black community, Hill envisions a renaissance of Black marriages: to stand arm in arm with one’s mate with our arms around our children and say to adversity, “here is where we stand, bring what you've got, we can deal…” The Conversation also chronicles Hill’s own motivations in meeting and forming a relationship with an attractive, intelligent Black woman who is a single mother while discovering what relationship, love, endurance, and commitment means for the Black community.

To illustrate his vision, Hill prefaces some of the chapters in The Conversation with a quote from noteworthy couples of past and present. With Valentine’s Day just 5 days away it seems fitting to present these visions of love and happiness with highlights from the book.

  
I never worry about things I can’t affect and with fidelity…that is between Barack and me, and if somebody can come between us, we didn’t have much to begin with.

~First Lady Michelle Obama, married to President Barack Obama since 1992

Well, the truth about life is that we’re all alone, but when somebody loves you, right, that experience is shared. Love is the only real connective tissue that allows you to not live and die by yourself. It gives you purpose beyond you.

~Will Smith, married to Jada Pinkett Smith since 1997.

The biggest challenge would be communication. You just have to be able to compromise with your wife as far as I’m concerned. If she has a deep desire to do something, you may want to give in to that. My motto is, “Happy wife, happy life.”

~Rev. Run, married to Justine Jones since 1994.

  


…We respect each other. If I have any suggestions, he respects them. If he has any suggestions, I respect them. It’s just…easy. And fun.


~Beyonce, married to Jay-Z in 2008.

  
Wise commitments do not bind us; they free us. …To the spiritually mature, commitment is the equivalent of freedom because it bestows authentic happiness that cannot be taken away.


~Rev. Michael Beckwith, married to Rickie Byars Beckwith since 2000

Love seeks to satisfy others at the expense of self. Lust seeks to satisfy self at the expense of others.


~Pastor A. R. Bernard, married to Karen Bernard since 1978.


I hope these lovely couples will encourage and inspire the relationship of your dreams. Wherever you are in your romantic relationship make this Valentine’s Day a moment to choose the commitment of Robin and Don Watkins, that special couple in The Conversation, and Hill‘s. Make up your mind to “stick it out.” And even though you may choose to be a party of one this Valentine’s Day, do it mindfully. Create a special way to celebrate the most important relationship you can nurture…the relationship with yourself and God of your heart. In this way you will attract your highest and best life partner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The subject tonight is Love

and for tomorrow night as well.

As a matter of fact

I know of no better topic

to discuss...

~Hafiz

  Happy Valentine’s Day 

Photo Credits:
1. Michelle & Barack Obama: blogs.smarter.com
2. Jada & Will Smith: Naiaonline
3. Rev. Run & Justine Jones: Blogger
4. Beyonce & JayZ:People
5. Rickie Byars & Michael Beckwith:Examiner
6  Karen & A. R. Bernard: Black Christian News