Wise commitments do not bind us; they free us. …To the spiritually mature, commitment is the equivalent of freedom because it bestows authentic happiness that cannot be taken away.~Rev. Michael Beckwith
Welcome back, Dish-friends (Dish-network was already taken, lol!). It's that time when we wrap up our monthly topic and take away some food for thought. We began February’s blog with the cherishing images of some well-known Black couples, people who are making history, and some of their views on marriage--commitment. We went on to courageously acknowledge the “inconvenient truth” about the current state of Black families and relationships and how we can deal with those issues through open, honest, constructive discussion. In the most recent blog we looked at the core needs of men and women in relationship, and some important considerations when partnering up. We arrive now at our concluding discussion: the path of commitment as a means of freedom and authentic happiness.Man-Up!
Rounding out the facilitation of his quest to saying “I do” in The Conversation, Hill had some passionate words to share with his male peers in the realm of commitment. In Chapter 19, aptly titled “Man-up!” he says unequivocally “we’ve failed in the area of Black male responsibility and accountability. We as men need to have the courage to check the behavior of our friends, or we will never see a change in the way Black men and women relate.” That seems well-placed, but boot-strapping is not often enough to create lasting change without repetitive modeling of desired behavior. Put in terms of rewards and disappointments: a habit or behavior cannot gain cultural significance unless it is being conditioned or reinforced consistently. In this light it leads us to think about how and where we learn relational self-efficacy, that is, our ability to create and maintain enduring relationships.
A quick internet search led to this gem on how we may learn to make and keep commitments, the essence of enduring relationships. It might not be empirical but it summarizes what could be the essence of what we know about making and keeping commitments. Remember that poem “Children Learn What They Live,” well, for adult children (learning) the lessons of a lifetime, commitment comes to these three steps:
- Doing what's important, not just what feels good.
- Committing to a worthwhile endeavor because it's worthwhile, not just because it's easy or convenient...
- To not be quitters in the game of life, we must (heed the lessons) whether (we) like it...or not.
Commitment = freedom and authentic happiness.
According to Encarta World Dictionary, a commitment is:
- something that takes up time or energy: responsibility
- devotion or dedication, e.g. to a cause, person, or relationship: loyalty
- a planned arrangement or activity that cannot be avoided: pledge
In a different mode commitment describes: an act of legally confining somebody to prison or a mental healthy facility. This is as if to say commitment can seem like a living hell, restrictive and ‘crazy-making,’ if either or both parties feel physically or mentally trapped. In that sense, commitment becomes an obligation, binding, a duty, liability or charge. Scary. The choice is yours, which would you choose? (I hope that is a no-brainer.)
Choice…choice gives us freedom in whom or what we decide to devote our time and energy. In The Conversation, Hill shares a quote from Rev. Michael Beckwith on commitment: Wise commitments do not bind us; they free us. …To the spiritually mature, commitment is the equivalent of freedom because it bestows authentic happiness that cannot be taken away. But, you might wonder, how can commitment be “an equivalent of freedom that bestows authentic happiness,” if it “doesn’t always feel good, nor is it easy or convenient at times, and we might not like the demands it makes of us at times.” Haven’t we already acknowledged that the purpose of living is to be happy? What makes authentic happiness different from just being happy?
The definition of a happy couple is as elusive as the unicorn, perfect and seemingly out of reach. Search for a concise definition of a happy couple, albeit relationship, and what you will find are descriptors of what “people who are happy,” who are in a relationship, are doing that appears to enable them to derive mutual enjoyment in the relationship. We can get quickly to the point that there is no “happy relationship” out there waiting to be discovered. Rather, being happy with ourselves (authentic happiness), and the ability to share happiness with others increases the likelihood of a happy relationship. Authentic happiness is, then, simply understanding how our past (enduring qualities) affects our present (who we are now), and making thoughtful choices that aligns us with the best, most effective life, and relationship we can have.
To support this view of couples and relationship as “being and doing” Drs. Julie and John Gottman, founders of The Gottman Institute, and leading experts in couples research and therapy agree that successful (happy) couples engage in a range of distinguishable behaviors. Happy relationships thrive in a climate of positivity generated by each partner. Happy relationships have these seven qualities:
- A Fondness and Admiration System, in which the couple is affectionate and clear about the things they value and admire in the other.
- Love Maps or a good knowledge of the partner's world (work, family, self) and showing an interest in it during non-conflict times.
- Acceptance of Influence, so partners (typically men) can accept the desires and wishes of their partners (typically women). A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.
- Repair Attempts or efforts to make up by using humor or conceding a point (there's about one effort every three minutes for most couples)
- De-escalation of hot emotions and efforts to compromise
- Bids for Affection or efforts to connect through a shared joke, a quick kiss, or a quiet smile that is returned
- A lack of Gridlock on problem issues by finding the underlying reason for the conflict and finding a way to meet both partner's needs
- Use the past as a guide not a guarantee: "I never want to forget about the hardships and sacrifices endured by those who came before us, so that we might have the opportunity to build lives together as successful, happy, and healthy Black families."
- If you don’t mean it, don’t say it: "this is a big one. Think before you speak…when you pledge to do something, you’re expected to uphold that commitment."
- Laugh, dance, and let your feelings show: "people are scared of vulnerability, but there is nothing that can compare to the power and beauty of love, of allowing ourselves to love and be loved."
This, friends, concludes our February topics, romance and Black History Month. Through discussion of author/actor Hill Harper’s The Conversation, we explored the inconvenient reality of historic trauma in the Black community and how it manifests, particularly, its impact on Black marriages and families. We pressed on to redeem ourselves through corrective recapitulation of who we are in spite of the past, and making a honest appraisal of what we truly need to be happy as individuals, potential life partner, parent, and contributor to our communities. To support this endeavor we faced up to the responsibility aspect of commitment but only to reveal what it means to be authentically happy in life and in relationship. And of course, it wouldn’t be DeepDish if we didn’t send you off with food for thought, your February “goodie bag,” which includes some relationship quizzes, compliments of The Gottman Institute. These should add some good talking points in your journey through dialogue.
Thank you for reading and for joining us in conversation…
Our future is divinely written and it is amazing and overflowing with love!
We deserve it. We will have it. Trust and believe.
~Hill Harper
Additional Resources:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.