Hill Harper's "Inconvenient Truth" on the State of Black Families & Relationships, and How We Can Move Forward: The Conversation. Part 1

The most we can do to rebuild self-esteem and trust is to continue having conversations with others while concentrating on our shared values, beliefs, and commitments.

 ~Hill Harper

 Part 1.

 Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed your Valentine’s Day, and your celebration was meaningful. My weekend was fun, thanks to the unusual snowfall in the Southeast. Our winter wonderland was perfect for a cosy fire, some good wine, and heart-warming comfort food. Besides going out for an urban snow shoot (Eye of Horus, left), the weather conditions made for a good time to resume writing for our topic of the month--romance and Black history. 

In the previous blog we began our discussion of Hill Harper’s new book, The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships. A Harvard graduate, accomplished author and actor, Hill tackled this journey of discovery with thoughtful, objective inquiry. Hill starts right from the beginning with what I’ve summed up as the "inconvenient truth" of the current state of Black families and relationships:

• we seem to be regressing.
• socio-economic, trans-generational psychological factors (stress/conditioning), a deficit of emotional (trust, anger, vulnerability) and spiritual (self-worth, decency, character, kindness) factors affecting our ability to connect.
• sharp decline in children being raised in two-parent households.
• black women are viewed as angry, distrustful, ball-busters (my shorthand).
• black men are viewed as irresponsible, cheating, ne'er-do-wells who expect the world but hardly bring anything to the table; and when they do have something to offer they take it elsewhere (as well my paraphrasing)
• four decades of shrinking Black relationships.
• inherited cultural & emotional baggage
• self division & mistrust

 Any of these are hot-button issues some might avoid in discussion, however, Hill invites us to do just that by engaging “The Conversation.” By featuring this book on DeepDish, I am in essence saying I’m up for it. Are you?

Journey of Discovery
The beauty of universalizing experience is that we can share it and make a difference in others' lives. The Conversation facilitates us through Hill’s journey to confront these inconvenient truths, separate myth from reality, and arrive at a sober, pragmatic grown-up approach to relationship in the Black community.


Like many journeys of discovery, The Conversation began with a private conversation, the conversation with the person staring back in the mirror. In a moment of self-awareness, accountability, and refreshing authenticity Hill acknowledged that the change we seek begins with ourselves, who we are, and how we are showing up in the world. The foundation of an enduring, fulfilling relationship begins with “aligning what we say with what we mean and what we do.” Instead of looking for “the right one,” start by being the right person. This radical makeover requires debunking the myths, memes, and misconceptions of Black love/relationships (presented in the book in juicy voyeuristic style). The purpose of this soul-searching reality check is so we can each take responsibility to quit negative, derogatory, destructive talk about ourselves, our race/community, and our relationships. Having cleansed our psyches of self/mate-defeating attitudes we are then ready to fill the void with constructive expectations that can generate the healthy, fulfilling relationships we deserve.


Evaluating Hill’s research from a philosophical view led me to revisit a paper written in graduate psychology, Healing Historic Trauma in African-American Communities, which likewise proposed corrective recapitulation through group discussion. Great ideas inevitably find their time (and affinities). Historic trauma is conceptualized as a “behavioral toxin” resulting from premeditated race-related violence, that causes fear, anxiety, and stress, and affects the psychosocial functioning of individuals and communities. As well, cumulative retraumatization in the form of overt and covert prejudice and discrimination contribute to intergenerational transmission through families and the social environment of those who experienced historic trauma first hand. Particularly relevant in the case of unresolved historic trauma is that avoidance of communication, denial and repression, has detrimental physical and psychological effects. Silence had as much impact as open discussion. The conclusion of research is that to salve the painful process of integration of historic traumatic experience a socially approved structure is conducive to legitimize and memorialize extreme, sustained trauma.


Historic trauma in context of our discussion is the same as what Robin and Don Watkins (that heroic couple in The Conversation) referred to as “the Black American experience.“ It is symptomatic in what Hill described when he stated, “we seem to be regressing; socio-economic, trans-generational psychological factors, and a deficit of emotional (inherited cultural and emotional baggage) and spiritual factors (self division and mistrust) affecting our ability to connect.” The crucial value of considering these realities is that knowledge empowers. Rather than allowing unresolved injustices to immobilize us, we can take charge of the opportunity to demonstrate our own resilience and resourcefulness. Other communities have done it; so can we. Hill astutely arrived at a similar conclusion that only thorough open, honest communication with a focus on “shared values, beliefs, and commitments” can we gain health and resolution.


Exhale! Wooo! I know, confronting the issue of historic trauma head-on might feel a bit heavy in the afterglow of the weekend celebration of hearts and flowers. However, since it is also Black History Month, reframing “the Black experience” as a universal experience of historic trauma serves well to enlighten, and give focus on how to move forward confidently in making commitments, be it to go for that second date, or the renewal of vows. Given his activism to foster self-esteem and determination through his foundation, Manifest Your Destiny, celebrity author/actor, Hill is naturally a likely leader to facilitate the framework proposed. I’ve been very excited to witness the surge of support on Twitter and Facebook for this installment of Hill’s career. From individuals sharing their personal insights to the swell of book clubs and book signings, The Conversation is clearly making the intended impact. But this is not a book that you breeze through and put aside, it is something to be worked through…over time.


In view of my own findings, I would like to see permanent, enduring installations around The Conversation's major themes: integration of historic trauma on a personal and community level, honesty (and clarity) in articulating our needs and values, our personal responsibility in upholding commitments, beliefs, and shared values, and the path of commitment as a means of freedom and authentic happiness. We’ve just covered the initial part--the diagnosis, if you will, the observable factors we are looking to modify. Let's stay together as we discuss the remaining themes in the next two blogs. In the meantime, get a copy of The Conversation, if you haven’t already. You might also gain more by joining the a book club, Twibe, or Facebook group online or organizing one in your community.


Thank you so much for your repeat patronage. Have a superb week.

An individual has not started living

until he can rise above the narrow confines

of his individualistic concerns

to the broader concerns of all humanity.

~Martin Luther King, Jr.