“The people who are hardest to love are the ones who need it most.”
~Dan Millman, The Peaceful Warrior
Among the well wishes for the New Year one message appended to the usual platitudes, "and people who matter." Pause... Perhaps my first New Year resolution should be: don't sweat the small stuff...or just "let it go." Exhale…and deep breath… However, being someone who believes that the contacts in my phone directory, email lists, Facebook friends, and Twitter lists are there because of some importance and connection to me, I had to wonder about the sentiment which brought the message. What could I make of it to be true to my desire for community, and love for connection?
People Who Need People
There is a song that goes "people who need people are the luckiest people in the world." It seems to go against conventional sentiments about "needy" people...not to be confused with "desperate." If we substitute the catalytic phrase into the song does it still mean the same? "People who matter" to people are the luckiest people in the world. Well, darn. If it didn't go and change things around, just like that. With the substitution it's not the needy who are lucky, but those who are needed who matter. The juxtaposition seems to fit well into my view that paradox often points to the beginning of truth.
People who need people are some of the luckiest people in the world. They share the distinction with people who matter to people. Look closer and you see they go hand in hand, if not virtually similar. People who need people need to matter to someone, as do those who wish to matter to others require that they are needed. Our family, friends, employers, customers matter to us insofar as we need their love, loyalty, and support. Our need goes unfulfilled if we do not matter to them as they matter to us. Conversely, others may need us in ways that may not matter to us which leaves their need unfulfilled. Tragic, either way.
You're probably thinking "whoa! That's a lot to think about from a simple platitude." You're probably right, Eddie Reece would say, “you’re trying too hard.“ Yet I'm also thinking that we don't go about wishing "people who matter" to those we already matter to, and who matter to us. So before I go poking a stick in a hornet's nest asking an equally naïve "what did you mean by that" it seems prudent to take it into self-inquiry. (Note to self: must try to be more like others and just vent my emotions freely so I can be more human and appealing.) Any who...
Basic Instincts
Maslow ranks our need for belonging and connection just above basic physiological, and safety needs; before ambition and self-fulfilling instincts. That ranking implies how important it is to need others and to feel needed. Love and social connection seem vital to our personal and psychological integrity, but Maslow categorized the first four ranks of the hierarchy of needs, including our need for affection, as deficiency needs.1 Deficiency needs arise out of feelings of deprivation, real or imagined. So while group affiliation and coupling might improve chances of survival, procreation of the species, and drive productivity,2 it is still, relative to self-actualization, a reflexive psychobiological function.
Maslow ranked self-actualization, the process of individuation--becoming your own person or who you truly are, as man’s highest instinct. Self-actualization, or individuation, is not to be confused with egocentric drives, rather it encompasses self-discovery that realizes compassion, altruism, and unconditional positive regard for others. Self-actualization is not dependent on having met basic needs, but is ultimately expressed in service to goals that transcend self. Therefore, to begin talking about people who matter, we’re not talking about co-dependency, we’re talking about “love thy neighbor as thyself.”
R.S.V.P.
How, then, do we cultivate connections that matter without being burdened by the neediness of others, or being perceived (and avoided) as needy as well as its opposite--aloof ? What is the healthy balance between self-care and taking care of others? Is it luckiest to be needed or to need others as the song goes, the alternatives being callous indifference or healthy detachment? Can you become someone who matters to others (without becoming a doormat, of course)? How? If you're someone "who already has everything" can you still need people? How? "People who matter" says relatively "people who are valued," hence, does need predicate value, or can we value others, and be valued, beyond self-interest?
As you contemplate your answers consider the parable of a rich man who throws a dinner party and sends emissaries far and wide to invite the people important to him. On the day of the party, none of the invited guests showed up. They sent their regrets that property, investments, and family life needed them elsewhere. The man saw no recourse but to send his emissaries out to call everyone they could find in the streets and byways to come and enjoy the great banquet he’d prepared for his esteemed friends.3 The parable in this context serves as a caution to know how we matter to the people who are important to us, and to value those we matter to.
A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With the first Step
If you decide to take a journey into meaningful relationships, very timely at the beginning of a new year and a new decade, then consider the following questions proposed by Dr. Barton Goldsmith (Emotional Fitness).4
How am I treating the most important people in my life?
How can I give the best parts of myself to those I love?
(These questions presumes identifying the people who matter most to you, and to whom you matter most, any mismatches resolved.)
People whose lives depend on and revolve around relationship marketing--sales professionals and motivational experts--know the fundamentals. “The greatest single opportunity to increase retailer differentiation in a meaningful way -- and thereby to increase customer loyalty -- lies with the people who "touch" the customer, the power of contact.5
1. Be yourself
2. Start with common-ground subjects, and ask questions.
2. Listen carefully to understand other’s goals and concerns
3. Stand out as particularly helpful or knowledgeable
4. Use common courtesy
5. When you meet people start with a firm handshake and eye contact.
6. Take online social networking further by meeting with people you’ve established a deepening relationship.
~Dan Millman, The Peaceful Warrior
Among the well wishes for the New Year one message appended to the usual platitudes, "and people who matter." Pause... Perhaps my first New Year resolution should be: don't sweat the small stuff...or just "let it go." Exhale…and deep breath… However, being someone who believes that the contacts in my phone directory, email lists, Facebook friends, and Twitter lists are there because of some importance and connection to me, I had to wonder about the sentiment which brought the message. What could I make of it to be true to my desire for community, and love for connection?
People Who Need People
There is a song that goes "people who need people are the luckiest people in the world." It seems to go against conventional sentiments about "needy" people...not to be confused with "desperate." If we substitute the catalytic phrase into the song does it still mean the same? "People who matter" to people are the luckiest people in the world. Well, darn. If it didn't go and change things around, just like that. With the substitution it's not the needy who are lucky, but those who are needed who matter. The juxtaposition seems to fit well into my view that paradox often points to the beginning of truth.
People who need people are some of the luckiest people in the world. They share the distinction with people who matter to people. Look closer and you see they go hand in hand, if not virtually similar. People who need people need to matter to someone, as do those who wish to matter to others require that they are needed. Our family, friends, employers, customers matter to us insofar as we need their love, loyalty, and support. Our need goes unfulfilled if we do not matter to them as they matter to us. Conversely, others may need us in ways that may not matter to us which leaves their need unfulfilled. Tragic, either way.
You're probably thinking "whoa! That's a lot to think about from a simple platitude." You're probably right, Eddie Reece would say, “you’re trying too hard.“ Yet I'm also thinking that we don't go about wishing "people who matter" to those we already matter to, and who matter to us. So before I go poking a stick in a hornet's nest asking an equally naïve "what did you mean by that" it seems prudent to take it into self-inquiry. (Note to self: must try to be more like others and just vent my emotions freely so I can be more human and appealing.) Any who...
Basic Instincts
Maslow ranks our need for belonging and connection just above basic physiological, and safety needs; before ambition and self-fulfilling instincts. That ranking implies how important it is to need others and to feel needed. Love and social connection seem vital to our personal and psychological integrity, but Maslow categorized the first four ranks of the hierarchy of needs, including our need for affection, as deficiency needs.1 Deficiency needs arise out of feelings of deprivation, real or imagined. So while group affiliation and coupling might improve chances of survival, procreation of the species, and drive productivity,2 it is still, relative to self-actualization, a reflexive psychobiological function.
Maslow ranked self-actualization, the process of individuation--becoming your own person or who you truly are, as man’s highest instinct. Self-actualization, or individuation, is not to be confused with egocentric drives, rather it encompasses self-discovery that realizes compassion, altruism, and unconditional positive regard for others. Self-actualization is not dependent on having met basic needs, but is ultimately expressed in service to goals that transcend self. Therefore, to begin talking about people who matter, we’re not talking about co-dependency, we’re talking about “love thy neighbor as thyself.”
R.S.V.P.
How, then, do we cultivate connections that matter without being burdened by the neediness of others, or being perceived (and avoided) as needy as well as its opposite--aloof ? What is the healthy balance between self-care and taking care of others? Is it luckiest to be needed or to need others as the song goes, the alternatives being callous indifference or healthy detachment? Can you become someone who matters to others (without becoming a doormat, of course)? How? If you're someone "who already has everything" can you still need people? How? "People who matter" says relatively "people who are valued," hence, does need predicate value, or can we value others, and be valued, beyond self-interest?
As you contemplate your answers consider the parable of a rich man who throws a dinner party and sends emissaries far and wide to invite the people important to him. On the day of the party, none of the invited guests showed up. They sent their regrets that property, investments, and family life needed them elsewhere. The man saw no recourse but to send his emissaries out to call everyone they could find in the streets and byways to come and enjoy the great banquet he’d prepared for his esteemed friends.3 The parable in this context serves as a caution to know how we matter to the people who are important to us, and to value those we matter to.
A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With the first Step
If you decide to take a journey into meaningful relationships, very timely at the beginning of a new year and a new decade, then consider the following questions proposed by Dr. Barton Goldsmith (Emotional Fitness).4
How am I treating the most important people in my life?
How can I give the best parts of myself to those I love?
(These questions presumes identifying the people who matter most to you, and to whom you matter most, any mismatches resolved.)
People whose lives depend on and revolve around relationship marketing--sales professionals and motivational experts--know the fundamentals. “The greatest single opportunity to increase retailer differentiation in a meaningful way -- and thereby to increase customer loyalty -- lies with the people who "touch" the customer, the power of contact.5
1. Be yourself
2. Start with common-ground subjects, and ask questions.
2. Listen carefully to understand other’s goals and concerns
3. Stand out as particularly helpful or knowledgeable
4. Use common courtesy
5. When you meet people start with a firm handshake and eye contact.
6. Take online social networking further by meeting with people you’ve established a deepening relationship.
To these I add, don’t expect noticeable changes right away, but be open to encouraging surprises. There are many others, as ourselves, who crave intimate connection, but either don’t know how or feel daunted to even try.
Just 10 Minutes A Day
If you’re rolling your eyes already, thinking who needs any more work in their lives…then consider the payoff when you revisit these same questions same time next year. How will your life and relationships be different if you took just 10 minutes a day to make a phone call, send an email, or write a thoughtful note to someone who matters to you, or someone who thinks you’re important to them? Just 10 minutes one day is all it takes to begin making a difference(Dr. Philip Zimbardo)6 and being the change you wish to see in the world.7
“Have a happy new year filled with love, good health, happiness, prosperity, and people that matter!” :)
Thank you for reading. Would love to have your thoughts and impressions on content, tone, and style.
Some resources:
1 The Five Levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
By Kendra Van Wagner, About.com Guide
2 People who need people are also the healthiest
By Dana Blankenhorn Dec 15, 2009
3 Parable of the Feast (Luke 14: 15-24, NAB)
4 Emotional Fitness (blog)
by Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D.
5 People Who Need People (blog)
by William J. McEwen
6 Northwest Flight 253: The Psychology of Heroism
By Mary Carmichael
7 Be the change you wish to see in the world.~Ghandi.
Just 10 Minutes A Day
If you’re rolling your eyes already, thinking who needs any more work in their lives…then consider the payoff when you revisit these same questions same time next year. How will your life and relationships be different if you took just 10 minutes a day to make a phone call, send an email, or write a thoughtful note to someone who matters to you, or someone who thinks you’re important to them? Just 10 minutes one day is all it takes to begin making a difference(Dr. Philip Zimbardo)6 and being the change you wish to see in the world.7
“Have a happy new year filled with love, good health, happiness, prosperity, and people that matter!” :)
Thank you for reading. Would love to have your thoughts and impressions on content, tone, and style.
Some resources:
1 The Five Levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
By Kendra Van Wagner, About.com Guide
2 People who need people are also the healthiest
By Dana Blankenhorn Dec 15, 2009
3 Parable of the Feast (Luke 14: 15-24, NAB)
4 Emotional Fitness (blog)
by Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D.
5 People Who Need People (blog)
by William J. McEwen
6 Northwest Flight 253: The Psychology of Heroism
By Mary Carmichael
7 Be the change you wish to see in the world.~Ghandi.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.