Happy Pesach Seder, Happy Easter

Happy Pesach Seder

 Happy Easter!

Peace & blessings,

March Wrap-up: Myth, March Madness, Lent

Happy Spring Equinox!

Spring is here! Who’s not happy about that? Perhaps it was the turmoil of floods, blizzards, and earthquakes (oh my!) that had everyone restless and ready for some sunshine and play in the outdoors. Well, maybe that was just me. A good many bodies and eyes were glued to the TV watching the NCAA playoffs. Is it over yet? Aside from the disruption in some regularly scheduled programs, and the passionate status updates when brackets imploded from the various upsets, I didn’t partake in that excitement.


Myself, I was engrossed in introspective and reflective journey of Lent, namely how a casual commitment to abstain from desserts and sugary treats opened up an intricate negotiation of lifestyle changes. All that while balancing the external journey of discovery with a vicarious pilgrimage through Don Paulo Coelho’s so titled book. Both endeavors have been quite enriching as I continue to assimilate some of discoveries over the remaining days of Lent, and perhaps beyond. That leaves us free to discuss the unexplored aspect of our mixed bag of topics for this month--myth.


We engaged some interest in rediscovering myth and even invited the discovery of the great story of our present time. Generally, we defined the kind of myth we are referring to as the allegorical stories involving heroic human qualities or awesome display of supernatural forces that convey a teaching or lesson applicable to the human condition. For example, some of the interesting facts shared about St. Patrick’s life seem imbued with the quality of myth. St. Patrick’s identification with Ireland sounds like one of the ways we are initiated into mystery, he was literally swept up into a life changing event. This is perhaps the least desirable way to be initiated into a transcendent life, but it happens often in the great stories. The rest of the his story, how he transcended, the mystical experiences, prescient dreams, and how he used a commonly known aspect of life in Ireland, the shamrock, to explain the holy trinity all congeal into a story that becomes larger than the ordinary life of Maewyn Succat (St. Patrick).


While we suggested taking a look at the mythical underpinnings of current cinematic releases, the completion of The Pilgrimage (Paulo Coelho) struck the right note for this week’s discussion. Granted many readers have already discovered Don Coelho’s great stories, and his latest book is pending release, but some of us might have to wait until 2011 to discover it’s secrets. Nevertheless, the available Coelho collection has the key elements of what we need today. First, the language, cadence, and literary devices the author uses to weave the twists and turns of the transformational journeys of its protagonists, himself included, is nothing short of spellbinding from start to finish. As well, the hero lives, at least in the tales I’ve read so far, which is good for today. While the lesson of having a willingness to give one’s life for something profoundly meaningful or heroic is admirable, most people simply need some inspiration to make every day life more satisfying. That is one of the more common uses of storytelling through the ages--a way to convey a deeper, transcendent meaning of the mundane events and complex attitudes of life. In some ways, mythology is an early forms of psychology, spirituality, and influence.


Carl Jung, one of the most prominent contributors to modern psychology, did us a world of service by looking beyond the psycho-sexual emergence of the science. By recognizing the anthropological and universal relevance (archetypes) in the legends and myths of world culture we are given a chance to sneak past the rigidity of rational thinking into the creative and meaningful landscape of the psyche or soul. Likewise, much of the enchantment of Don Coelho’s ability to mesmerize s with his delightful journeys has to do with the ability to expertly weave and superimpose the engagement, frustration, and redemption of his characters with cultural anecdotes and legends of historical relevance of their locale. Don Coelho’s magic, fortunately for us, is that he discovered and developed his gift for seeing the things we might miss in our daily grind, and gently penetrating our preoccupied minds to deliver a poignant lesson with all the gentleness and caring of a favorite relative or family friend.

The four books selected by Don Coelho for a real life quest, The Challenge, each answer a fundamental dilemma that the central character seeks to resolve. You find these characters in the midst of very mundane circumstances before they are swept up on a tortuous quest, over time and space, or in the inner space of character. Throughout their pursuit you, the reader, are engaged with the author’s penetrating insights peppered into the narration. It may be these surprising perspectives which draws the popularity of author. In Brida, we witness a young woman seeking guidance or reassurance in choosing a direction in life. She finds what she needs as she resolves the questions of her past. Again, in The Devil and Miss Prym we find another young woman living in quiet desperation of a staid country life until a mysterious traveler presents her with a Mephistophelean scheme. The battle of good and evil that unfolds is almost elegant in its tragedy. Certainty gives way to frustration, frustration to certainty which gives way to unexpected tragedy for the young woman in By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept as she is swept along an impromptu adventure with a childhood friend. Her heartbreak was perhaps the most cruel tristesse I’ve ever witnessed as she succumbed to the seduction of her friend’s proposal and apparent celebrity, then have her nascent fancy perplexedly dashed coldly by his apparent self-absorbed thoughtlessness.

This devilish figure is shown in its dual form in The Pilgrimage, first as a sinister force that literally dogged and intermittently attacked the author in a personal account of his walk along the pilgrim route of San Tiago. As well, it is represented as the intriguing, not to be completely trusted esoteric confidante known as the messenger. We traverse the mountains and valleys of the Road to Santiago with the author and his flesh and blood guide in a fascinating tale that exemplifies the process that turns knowledge into revelation, wisdom and insight. In all the books the quest-ion of our protagonist eventually resolves itself, sometimes through personal insight, sometimes with a little divine intervention, but always with a wise companion adept at recognizing the inner struggle, and providing the right guidance in the way it can be received.

Though I’ve presented the books in reverse order as I happened to have read them, The Pilgrimage is actually the first and more intimate publication by Don Coelho. Brida and Miss Prym made for lush, quick reads, then the increasing complexity from Piedra to The Pilgrimage became a more thoughtful, analytical pace, perhaps showing the struggles of the emergent style. The books featuring the female protagonists largely concern the authors captivation with the divine feminine in Wiccan culture (Brida) and the Catholic icon the Virgin Mary (Piedra). The Devil and Miss Prym and The Pilgrimage both have a more masculine drive.


The important thing to note, though, is that beyond the fascinating imagery and anthropological anecdotes these are timeless classics for discovery by readers of all ages. Ultimately, Don Coelho chides us into thinking, what are we making our individual and collective reality to mean? Our history serves us not as models of superlative perfection, but as reminders and inspiration for how to be present to what life is calling forth from each of us right now. Are you willing to take that journey?

Myth, March Madness, & Lent: Sweet!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day, a second time for green color-blind friends. As with any good conversation, we sometimes have to revisit topics to allow for correction and insight. So here we go…

Self correction: March Madness has little to do with St. Patrick‘s Day as implied in the previous blog post. Rather it is derived, according to one source, from the "synchronized frenzy of fans" during the tightly scheduled season of women and men’s college basketball championships. Shucks! I so prefer the amusing Python inspired image of raucous drunkenness and running amok.

And a twist on St. Patrick‘s day: While the commemorative day for St. Patrick has become synonymous with “Erin go bragh,” Irish nationalism, St. Patrick (not his real name but the general locale he‘s associated with) is actually not a native of Ireland. Gosh, this feels like the Grinch (that green-hued curmudgeon famously associated with Christmas) of St. Paddy’s day, but it yields some surprising insights. St. Patrick was kidnapped as a child and taken to Ireland where he was forced into child labor a herdsman, the unpaid variety.

Working as a herdsman (see the link to biblical shepherds) seems conducive to mystical experiences, probably because of the abundance of time afforded for contemplation and prayer. The then future saint (awkard, but you get what I mean) reportedly spent much time in prayer during his captive sojourn. He is said to have experienced ecstatic communion with God during that time, and finally escaped to freedom after a foretelling dream of his escape from captivity.

On returning home and reuniting with his family he entered the priesthood and after another prescient dream decides to take his ministry to Ireland. St. Patrick worked his ministry of religious conversions using the 3-leafed shamrock to describe the Holy Trinity. (Another departure from popular custom that uses the “4-leafed” shamrock associated with leprechauns and “luck of the Irish.”) His devotion to the “enslaved and unfree” (Wikipedia said that, but surely a motivation from his own life experience) might make him the patron saint of captives and anti-human trafficking activists everywhere.

So when you raise a "greenie" to the real St. Patrick this holiday will also be making a pledge to liberty and freedom for all.  (I know you might be thinking “green beer,” that works too, but in some places it’s a specific beer, if you know what I mean.)

Sweet Life Balance

So last week our principal (only) blogger (I'll stop saying that soon) made a public commitment to give up dessert and sugary treats for 40 days. This is hardly what the spiritual practice of Lent is about, but it counts for making a step towards mastery of greater sacrifices in life. For one thing, if done mindfully, the intention to give up one small thing for 40 consecutive days of the year, can really open up a vista of unexamined thoughts, beliefs, and habits in life. In the personal example of giving up dessert and sugary treats, the first thing that presented was how to define what was dessert, and what was a sugary treat. The conclusion was that the attachment in question was not the food itself but the taste of sweetness. Our question then evolved to understanding the taste of sweetness and how we become attached to it?

The Problem of Definition. To find out more about the taste of sweetness--the sweet life--we reviewed what was being said about ‘sugar-free’ diets versus “sugar cravings.” The term ‘sugar-free’ itself is relative because the body converts ingested food into glucose--a form a sugar that can be absorbed and metabolized by the body. Thus, to properly define what is meant by ‘sugar-free’ our definition needs to be restricted to foods without added refined or process sugars from raw foods such as cane, corn, beets. In contrast, sugar cravings--a particular desire for sweet tasting foods and simple carbs is quite another thing. It is entirely organic, that is, it is a self-generated signal from the body, much like hunger, fatigue, that is tied specifically to the experience of the taste of sweetness because of how we habitually respond to the signal. Why bother with making the distinction? Well, enjoying sweet or sugary foods is not a problem of itself. Neither would the craving of a sweet treat mean the end of the world. But here’s the kicker, try giving up your favorite sweet or sugary foods for a while and see what happens. 

A funny thing happened… Remarkably, giving up sugary foods seems to heighten or refine the taste buds for sweetness. After just three weeks, “unsweetened juice” that beforehand just tasted tart, now have surprising nuances of flavor and yes, sweetness. And if you can imagine, everything sweetened now seems garish. Yes, ga-rish, a veritable assault on the senses (Egad! Still swooning from that.) So now the question of sugary versus sweet became an imperative to know better how much sugar is added to what we eat, and even more intriguing where it’s been added. On top of that, the refined sweet taste buds seemed to have nothing to do with that particular need to have a taste of sweet to complete the meal. What is that about?


Another striking development is how we might substitute sugary and sweet foods, sometimes in the form of other cravings. What are your sugar alternatives? Some fruit (fresh or dried), veggies, nuts, bread, French fries? Are you feeling more tired, edgy, out of sorts? These are all natural reactions to reducing your sugar intake. How so? Because giving up sugary foods has both an organic and behavioral component.


Jack in the Box. It seems now that the path to Sweet Life Balance (tagging convenience) is two-fold. Sweet Life Balance starts with knowing what foods are high in sugar content and simple carbohydrates (the Glycemic Index), and it can also be an understanding the organic desire for sweetness, the sugar craving. 


The Glycemic Index 

To understand the sugar content in foods it is best to take a look at the Glycemic Index. Basically, the Glycemic Index promotes health factors through nutrition, specifically nutrition factors that determine how quickly food is absorbed and metabolized in the body. Shown in a hierarchy from low to high, foods ranked as low glycemic are absorbed and metabolized slowly in the body and promote sustained metabolic functioning. Foods ranked as high glycemic are quickly absorbed and metabolized and promote quick metabolic functioning.

This is important knowledge because as noted before, simply cutting out refined and processed sugars may not be enough. Our own bodies might trick us into substituting those obvious sweet treats with other foods that are equally or even higher in sugar content once it’s broken down in the body. As well, throw in some gender factors, like the need for healthy fat and complex carbs in women’s diets, and suddenly one feels unprepared for the journey that began so offhandedly. Forewarned is forearmed. Be encouraged because this has now become a lifestyle revolution, not just a 40-day time out.


The endocrine triad--the neurohormonal influence 
Next, for a better understanding of the desire for sweetness one source pointed to the endocrine system for the source of cravings, specifically the production of serotonin and adrenaline. Sugar cravings is a signal from the cells in the body to the brain that it needs fuel, glucose. Generally, our bodies will convert fat stored in the body, even the proteins in the muscles, into glucose to maintain its function. This is the sign of healthy metabolic functioning. However, certain conditions might confuse and interfere with this process and create a problem that may spiral out of control. The main conditions implicated are weak digestion, insulin resistance, and low adrenal functioning.


First, weak digestion may be the result of poor nutrition, typically foods that are low fat and high in simple carbohydrates (see the Glycemic Index.) Basically, you may be eating more in order to derive the quality nutrients the body needs to function. Regardless of the underlying cause of weak digestion, something that can be pinpointed by your healthcare provider or nutritional expert, it can lead to the other factor implicated in the body’s sugar cravings, insulin resistance. Insulin resistance occurs when the body stops responding to the body’s regulator for absorbing and releasing glucose to and from the bloodstream, insulin. This sets off a vicious cycle of persistent signals for more fuel which only gets stored in the body’s fat cells instead of being converted into energy to support metabolism.


The third factor which ties in with the metabolism is adrenal functioning. Some sugar cravings may be the result of prolonged stress, insomnia, sleep deprivation, and inflammation. Essentially all stress be it from bona fide lifesaving responses, or from ordinary pressures in living, as well as and chronic health conditions that cause inflammation is interpreted as a threat response--fight or flight. (Get this, food allergies is a contributing factor by causing inflammation.) And even further, too much sugar depletes the body of B vitamins which paradoxically it needs to combat stress. Oy! This is getting to be like an episode of House but it underscores the value of differential diagnosis! It is so important to work with your healthcare professional or nutritional expert to troubleshoot and determine a personally effective treatment plan.


A final note on the neurohormonal influence: understanding how taste, cravings, and choice may form unintended habits. The key is serotonin which is readily induced by sugars or high glycemic foods. Quite simply, serotonin, one of the body’s feel-good endorphins, when induced by ingesting sugary or simple carbs becomes complicit in forming a reward system that reinforces unhealthy habits like choosing a candy bar instead of an apple. While high GI foods (quick absorbing and metabolized foods) might be a smart choice in conditions demanding high energy responses from the body, they can produce unacknowledged consequences in relatively normal situations. Awareness and knowing the difference is important. (Emphasis on knowing what works, for some a hard candy can be lifesaving, for others, its a self-defeating option.)


Sweet Life Balance: Return to Eden. The good news is that once we’ve determined how sugary foods and simple carbohydrates may be impacting our lives the remedy can be quite simple and have healthful benefits. As a preemptive choice, reducing or eliminating refined or processed sugars, plus the selective use moderate to high glycemic foods along with moderate exercise can add years to your life. Each of these recommendations targets one or more of the key factors in regulating your sugar/simple carbs.

• The first is nutritional support like multivitamins supplement healthy food choices using the Glycemic index. Also recommended are nutritional formula to support adrenal functioning, control inflammation, and aid digestion. This will assist in reducing hunger and sugar cravings--translate this you will feel the need to eat less, and less often. A win-win solution if there’s ever been one.
• 
  
  Second, is nutrition itself--what you actually eat. Already this is a great thing because there is no need to use that four-letter word (d-i-e-t.) You can eat foods you enjoy, only selectively, based on low to high glycemic content and corresponding to your level of activity. This also supports reducing or eliminating foods with high content of refined or processed sugars. Based on personal experience, that everything tastes sweeter insight, you will find more enjoyment and satisfaction in eating an apple instead of an apple turnover. (Hmmm…seems like “the everything tastes sweeter” factor reverses the reward system involved in the old habit of sugary treats. The very memory of that garish experience of sweetened anything is punishment enough. A mental cross-eyed, gagging effect. Wooo! I’m okay. Really…)
• And third, increased physical activity. Don’t even call it exercise, unless you want to. We’re talking about more and focused movement. Couch potato? Then just get up and walk about for 10-minute intervals. Workaholic--try 10-minute intervals of power or energy yoga postures. More importantly, target the core muscles: work the abs, back, and upper body.

That’s it! Well, just one more thing: note to self--consult healthcare provider and/or see nutritional expert. Okay. We’re good to go now.


Yes, good to go. We’ve covered enough for this post so let’s look forward to some mythic musings next week. We might share impressions of the cinematic release, Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Hopefully there won’t be any trifling whistle tooting Pavlovian parodies in that.

May the sweetness in your life be in your memories

of a particularly good time this week.

March: Myth, March Madness and Lent

Welcome back! We figured you might still be working through your February ‘goodie bag,’ the quizzes and additional resources from The Gottman Institute, so March may be a lite blogging month. Weeelll…that’s half true. March ushers a significant cultural observation for our principal (only, wink) blogger. Hold the sarcasm…we’re not talking March Madness, although I might have if a certain late, late show host was Irish instead of…not going to give any more spoilers. Promise…nah…maybe…we’ll see. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, cultural observation…that would be the Easter/Passover season, meaning that March is smack in between the beginning of Lent in February and the culmination on Easter Sunday in early April. What does that matter to you? Who said it did…just a way of saying…a pause is a great way to allow serious thought as we discussed last month to germinate…take a breather, and allow fresh perspectives to become clearer. (And that friends, might be my best improv of a certain late, late show host. LOL!)

Seriously now. Let’s start with Lent since that is already on the way. For those unfamiliar with this religious practice, it is a season beginning mid-February, just after Mardi Gras, with Ash Wednesday, a solemn ceremonial commitment to the 40-day journey of personal sacrifice. Lent precedes the redemptive celebration of atonement and renewal on Easter Sunday, usually in early April. As a matter of practice, to participate in Lent, a person takes a vow of fasting and sacrifice. In present day practice, fasting seems optional, but the sacrifice of something to which one has a particular attachment or penchance is how it is observed. For example, a certain blogger (ahem) self-observed an almost Pavlovian ritual of ‘dessert’ with lunch and dinner. To say been ‘dessert’ is subjective, because the attachment is not so much for sugary treats as much as it is for a taste of sweetness. The observation was made in seeing that a meal did not feel complete until it was capped with a swig of fruit juice, fruit, or sweet treat. So the Lenten journey is to better understand the imperative desire for sweet in juxtaposition with salt, sour, pungent, and bitter.

While on the subject of Lent which is largely a Catholic tradition, a new question popped up. The question concerned another tradition, the celebration of St. Patrick’s Day. St. Patrick was an Irish saint in the Catholic tradition although the celebration, also known as March Madness, is a matter of national pride, “Luck of the Irish.” So if March Madness which is synonymous with raucous drunkenness and running amok (so Monty Python) is really a commemoration for a Catholic saint, would it not be ‘sacrificial’ to give up the ‘sauce’ for the Lenten period as a real show of piety? I guess that depends on whether or not you have a particular attachment to beer and alcohol.

Finally, myth. In this case, when we talk about myth we are not referring to old wives’ tales, urban legends, and all things debunkable. Rather, we’re talking about great stories that take us on an inward journey through the imagination to teach, enlighten, and inspire. Great myths are stories that connect the individual to a community and the noetic, something larger than ourselves. The story can be anything from the epic of a great battle, the uplifting of the mundane to nobility, the conquest of a great or fallen hero. No matter which is relevant for the time, myths are important to life and living.

Today, great stories have a way of reaching a critical mass that moves humanity forward in both spiritual and tangible ways. Stories like the Star Wars, The Peaceful Warrior, The Alchemist, The Celestine Prophecy are some of the modern day myths that seemed to move us forward as a whole, out of the ordinary grind of making a living, to the expansive view of living purposefully, and making a difference. The recent movement surrounding the law of attraction is not included because, in my review of the book, much of it’s practices focused self-serving interest (attraction), how to get more, instead of the radiance of self-less love (agape), how to be more. If you can’t see what I mean in saying this, then consider, think of the most magnificent living example of a rise to fame and fortune, someone who in your view harnessed the law of attraction to change their fortunes and succeeded. Now think about someone who through no or very little means, quietly accomplished something so huge and so meaningful that it’s almost impossible to imagine such devotion and dedication. Now do you see the difference?

Despite the overwhelming wonder of spellbinding visuals, Avatar fell short of being that great story for our time because of one small detail, the hero gives up his own life to assume something he is not. It’s not quite the same as the explorer who is himself but learns to connect with a strange and foreign culture. Basically, the search for that great transformative story for present times is still on. I’m optimistic.

We promised lite, and lite it is. Have a great week!

February Wrap-up: The Conversation, Part 3

Wise commitments do not bind us; they free us. …To the spiritually mature, commitment is the equivalent of freedom because it bestows authentic happiness that cannot be taken away.

~Rev. Michael Beckwith

Welcome back, Dish-friends (Dish-network was already taken, lol!). It's that time when we wrap up our monthly topic and take away some food for thought. We began February’s blog with the cherishing images of some well-known Black couples, people who are making history, and some of their views on marriage--commitment. We went on to courageously acknowledge the “inconvenient truth” about the current state of Black families and relationships and how we can deal with those issues through open, honest, constructive discussion. In the most recent blog we looked at the core needs of men and women in relationship, and some important considerations when partnering up. We arrive now at our concluding discussion: the path of commitment as a means of freedom and authentic happiness.

Man-Up!
Rounding out the facilitation of his quest to saying “I do” in The Conversation, Hill had some passionate words to share with his male peers in the realm of commitment. In Chapter 19, aptly titled “Man-up!” he says unequivocally “we’ve failed in the area of Black male responsibility and accountability. We as men need to have the courage to check the behavior of our friends, or we will never see a change in the way Black men and women relate.” That seems well-placed, but boot-strapping is not often enough to create lasting change without repetitive modeling of desired behavior. Put in terms of rewards and disappointments: a habit or behavior cannot gain cultural significance unless it is being conditioned or reinforced consistently. In this light it leads us to think about how and where we learn relational self-efficacy, that is, our ability to create and maintain enduring relationships.

A quick internet search led to this gem on how we may learn to make and keep commitments, the essence of enduring relationships. It might not be empirical but it summarizes what could be the essence of what we know about making and keeping commitments. Remember that poem “Children Learn What They Live,” well, for adult children (learning) the lessons of a lifetime, commitment comes to these three steps:

• Doing what's important, not just what feels good.
• Committing to a worthwhile endeavor because it's worthwhile, not just because it's easy or convenient...
• To not be quitters in the game of life, we must (heed the lessons) whether (we) like it...or not.

From this perspective we gather that commitment is not just fun and games; it doesn’t always feel good, nor is it easy or convenient at times, and we might not like the demands it makes of us at times. When you think of commitment on these terms, what does it mean to you? What feeling is evoked when you contemplate committing yourself to an activity, person, or institution? What does commitment mean to you in the context of relationship, particularly couple relationships? Chances are to think of spending any length of time with the man or woman of your dreams, the love of your life, on these terms might give you pause. And that is why Hill says, “man up!”

Commitment = freedom and authentic happiness. 
According to Encarta World Dictionary, a commitment is:

• something that takes up time or energy: responsibility 
• devotion or dedication, e.g. to a cause, person, or relationship: loyalty
• a planned arrangement or activity that cannot be avoided: pledge 

These meanings suggest proactive, conscious choice-making as in making a promise, a vow; that is, giving your word, assurance, or allegiance, and having a sense of steadfastness, faithfulness, or staunchness to back up what you say. 

In a different mode commitment describes: an act of legally confining somebody to prison or a mental healthy facility. This is as if to say commitment can seem like a living hell, restrictive and ‘crazy-making,’ if either or both parties feel physically or mentally trapped. In that sense, commitment becomes an obligation, binding, a duty, liability or charge. Scary. The choice is yours, which would you choose? (I hope that is a no-brainer.)

Choice…choice gives us freedom in whom or what we decide to devote our time and energy. In The Conversation, Hill shares a quote from Rev. Michael Beckwith on commitment: Wise commitments do not bind us; they free us. …To the spiritually mature, commitment is the equivalent of freedom because it bestows authentic happiness that cannot be taken away. But, you might wonder, how can commitment be “an equivalent of freedom that bestows authentic happiness,” if it “doesn’t always feel good, nor is it easy or convenient at times, and we might not like the demands it makes of us at times.” Haven’t we already acknowledged that the purpose of living is to be happy? What makes authentic happiness different from just being happy?

The definition of a happy couple is as elusive as the unicorn, perfect and seemingly out of reach. Search for a concise definition of a happy couple, albeit relationship, and what you will find are descriptors of what “people who are happy,” who are in a relationship, are doing that appears to enable them to derive mutual enjoyment in the relationship. We can get quickly to the point that there is no “happy relationship” out there waiting to be discovered. Rather, being happy with ourselves (authentic happiness), and the ability to share happiness with others increases the likelihood of a happy relationship. Authentic happiness is, then, simply understanding how our past (enduring qualities) affects our present (who we are now), and making thoughtful choices that aligns us with the best, most effective life, and relationship we can have.

To support this view of couples and relationship as “being and doing” Drs. Julie and John Gottman, founders of The Gottman Institute, and leading experts in couples research and therapy agree that successful (happy) couples engage in a range of distinguishable behaviors. Happy relationships thrive in a climate of positivity generated by each partner. Happy relationships have these seven qualities:

• A Fondness and Admiration System, in which the couple is affectionate and clear about the things they value and admire in the other. 
• Love Maps or a good knowledge of the partner's world (work, family, self) and showing an interest in it during non-conflict times.
• Acceptance of Influence, so partners (typically men) can accept the desires and wishes of their partners (typically women). A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well. 
• Repair Attempts or efforts to make up by using humor or conceding a point (there's about one effort every three minutes for most couples) 
• De-escalation of hot emotions and efforts to compromise 
• Bids for Affection or efforts to connect through a shared joke, a quick kiss, or a quiet smile that is returned 
• A lack of Gridlock on problem issues by finding the underlying reason for the conflict and finding a way to meet both partner's needs

If you are fortunate, you will have as Hill does, some real life couples who embody and demonstrate these qualities of happy marriage and relationship. The models for his future family relationship are his maternal and paternal grandparents: “people who are committed to their mates and to the forward motion of their community and their family.” In his grandparents' marriages, Hill was able to reconnect to the love, stability, and purposeful examples of Black couples effectively loving each other, having a family and belonging to a larger community. Hill was able to discover his own relational self-efficacy simplified in an easy mantra Three to be Free: 

• Use the past as a guide not a guarantee: "I never want to forget about the hardships and sacrifices endured by those who came before us, so that we might have the opportunity to build lives together as successful, happy, and healthy Black families."
• If you don’t mean it, don’t say it: "this is a big one. Think before you speak…when you pledge to do something, you’re expected to uphold that commitment."
• Laugh, dance, and let your feelings show: "people are scared of vulnerability, but there is nothing that can compare to the power and beauty of love, of allowing ourselves to love and be loved." 

And with these keys in mind, The Conversation is turned over to you… 

This, friends, concludes our February topics, romance and Black History Month. Through discussion of author/actor Hill Harper’s The Conversation, we explored the inconvenient reality of historic trauma in the Black community and how it manifests, particularly, its impact on Black marriages and families. We pressed on to redeem ourselves through corrective recapitulation of who we are in spite of the past, and making a honest appraisal of what we truly need to be happy as individuals, potential life partner, parent, and contributor to our communities. To support this endeavor we faced up to the responsibility aspect of commitment but only to reveal what it means to be authentically happy in life and in relationship. And of course, it wouldn’t be DeepDish if we didn’t send you off with food for thought, your February “goodie bag,” which includes some relationship quizzes, compliments of The Gottman Institute. These should add some good talking points in your journey through dialogue.

Thank you for reading and for joining us in conversation…

Our future is divinely written and it is amazing and overflowing with love! 

We deserve it. We will have it. Trust and believe.

~Hill Harper

Additional Resources:

1. 
   
   Intimacy Quiz
2. 
   
   Bids for Affection
3. 
   
    The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
4. 
   
   Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
5. 
   
   The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
6. 
   
   And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives

The Conversation Part 2: Honesty in Communication, Common Ground

Glad to have you back after last week’s ponderous discussion of historic trauma, albeit, dealing with our cultural and emotional baggage. This week, we continue with the discussion Hill Harper's The Conversation, with a focus on honesty in communication and finding common ground--our shared beliefs, commitments and values. But first, allow me to say this. I imagine…no, I know it is particularly uncomfortable for some to bring historic trauma out into the open, because this issue doesn’t affect just the Black community. Historic trauma is not just “the Black experience,” it is part of the tapestry of American history, and in that sense, can test connections with our multicultural national community.

It is not a stretch to see how the discomfort surrounding historic trauma mirrors what happens in relationships, and families, that keep silent about unresolved trauma. It festers, and shows up in mind/body disease that affects everyone. Likewise, the challenges of Black families and the Black community do not occur in isolation, but reveals a systemic issue in our national psyche, it affects everyone, because, as Martin Luther King, Jr. viewed it, we wear “a garment of mutual destiny.” The way to address this, Hill suggests, is through a renaissance of loving, trusting Black relationships. By first redeeming ourselves and then have our maturity, confidence, strength, and resilience speak for itself. Let’s get right to it.

 Honesty in Communication

A preferred approach to relationship states: A contract of any kind should be based on honesty and should be mutually satisfactory.(1) In other words, to seek relationship poses the question, “how can we make this good for each other?” In that fashion, The Conversation is about finding out what we truly want. Once we’re past superficial, idiosyncratic self-interest, what Black men and Black women really want is very much like what any modern man and woman would want in coupling.

Speaking from a male perspective, Hill naturally had a lot to offer on what men want, culling it down to a succinct statement. The couple relationship men want looks like "a friendship and partnership that includes family, professional ambitions and successes, the creation and maintenance of a home, a solid and secure financial future, conversation, laughter, and of course--great sex--good passionate lovemaking." He adds, “Acknowledge we (men) want to be valued, needed, and appreciated; guys have an innate need to fulfill hunter/gatherer roles: to provide for and protect…a mate who will make a good nest and raise children effectively. There's nothing more appealing than a woman you can trust with your dreams.” Got that ladies? I know you do.

 

In turn, Hill did his best to get into the psyche of the women of his past and present to truly understand their needs. Women “want to be heard, taken seriously but still be seen as sexy and desirable…and dependability (their partner‘s). Ladies have the innate need to nest and nurture.” Perhaps due to the universality of the definition of the desirable relationship in men’s view, not much seemed to be added from the female perspective. Was the diffusiveness of the women’s responses characteristic of women in general or was it due to the questions posed to the women? Could the quality of feedback have been affected by particular women who participated in the focus group type of conversations Hill arranged? Or could it have been simply a question of including a variety of responses in the book’s presentation?

Personally, at times I would have liked to see the women’s responses to some of the questions so eloquently discussed in some of the male conversations. Nevertheless, this is a brother’s quest to answer his own questions so I fully appreciate and felt encouraged by the inclusion of the ladies. More so, it definitely instigated curiosity about how women constructively articulate their needs and desires in relationship, and in life.


Finding Common Ground
An appraisal of our own needs is essential to getting what you want out of life. However, it does not stop at ourselves. Getting what we want often involves negotiation with the circumstances of our environment in a process of give and take. Give and take is precisely the realm of relationship.

For human relationships negotiation does not stop at the best available option, but is necessary over the relationship career, from attraction to what we’ll be doing once the kids have moved on with their lives. Negotiation and relationship requires communication, even special communication as individuals learn each other’s nuances, needs, and vulnerabilities. The amount of ease or difficulty encountered in a coupling relationships depends on awareness and ability to modify self/mate-defeating behaviors involved in these key negotiating points in the relationship career.

• Money, status, sex. The foremost criteria considered when choosing a mate centers around the three Ps--their ability to provide, protect, and procreate. Society may have evolved but our instincts regarding these factors are relatively the same. What matters most, says Hill, is character, that the person you choose is right for you (i.e., your values and habits about money, and sex), and wants to be in a relationship with you. He also recommended a simple strategy for witnessing a person’s character over time, AFI--attraction and friendship before intimacy.
• Language, communication. It can be expected that our ideal romance will likely encounter some travails depending on our degree of preparedness. Hill referred to one view of male-female conversation as “cross-cultural communication”--men as “doers”, concrete and action oriented, and women as “feelers,” empathic and feeling oriented. Establishing “true and consistent personal connection” requires knowing how and when to communicate so that each person is heard, and how to reach agreement on what matters most.
• Emotional baggage, infidelity. Everyone experiences fear and doubt when pursuing something of value. Relationships evoke these same emotions alongside the elation and anticipation experienced in meeting a potential mate. More significantly, relationships are psychological mirrors of our highest and best intentions, and our deepest, darkest fears. Relationships will quickly engage the personal shadow--your fears, hang-ups, and repressed desires--referred to by Hill as the “masks of heaviness to protect ourselves.” Betrayal, infidelity and shame are tools of the shadow in the temptation to betray ourselves, our ideals and values. Betrayal and shame leads us out of that spontaneous, free-spirited state Hill referred to as lightness of being. “If we’ve allowed our (emotional) baggage or someone else’s faulty training to make us heavy, then it is up to us to rediscover our lightness of being, says Hill, “joy matters.”
• Atypical relationships. Truth be told, atypical relationships: divorce, widow-hood, single parenthood, inter-racial relationships, are really the norm. Chances are if you’re single and dating you will encounter the opportunity to consider a relationship involving these factors. It might be that you’re the one bringing these considerations to the relationship. Particularly where children are involved, as in single-parenthood and divorce, blending families or blending cultures(inter-racial) requires conscious choice-making. Hill shared, “Part of the wonder and possibility of a first date is that we get to write our own rules, make our own mark… We get to write our own book on how to be together. After all, you don‘t always choose love--sometimes love chooses you. When we meet the right person, your perspective shifts and judgments just disappear.”

By it’s title, The Conversation reveals essentially what the book, and relationship, is about: communication; ultimately, intimacy. Hill writes in an engaging contemporary style which demonstrates effective communication by immersing the reader into the subject of discussion. When you get between the covers (yes, how dishy!), The Conversation is about the substance of communication--what to talk about, and how to talk about it. The clear objective of such dialogue is for building confidence and a safe environment in which to focus on what really matters--our shared destinies. Rather than focusing on the hurt and difficulties that drive us apart, The Conversation redirects our focus to what we truly desire, what truly matters. Instead of focusing on (the baggage), focus on building a (partnership, family, community, country; your choice here.)(2)

Ultimately, The Conversation is a practical step in getting the various points of view conducive to making an honest assessment ourselves, and to set ourselves up for secure, strongly loving relationships based on trust and true intimacy. In order to gain these points of view, we must first learn how to listen--to our needs and also to our habitual self-talk, the myths, memes, misconceptions about our ability to love ourselves and each other. We must also learn to listen to what the opposite sex is communicating to us--the basic strengths and opportunities of our own condition--so we can legitimize what is constructive, or dismiss what is denigrating or derogatory. This reflective process--understanding each other’s perspectives and underlying emotions--is the junction which fosters intimacy.

Fantastic! This is good stuff. We hope you're finding clarity from these tidbits from the book, and feel motivated to stick with us for Part 3, the conclusion of our discussion: commitment as a path to freedom and authentic happiness. Have an dyamic week.

Ciao!

References:

1. 
   
   A contract of any kind should be based on honesty and should be mutually satisfactory.~Joseph Murphy
2. 
   
   Instead of focusing on (the baggage), focus on building a (partnership, family, community, country; your choice here.)~Former U.S. Secretary of State, Colin Powell
   
   
   

Hill Harper's "Inconvenient Truth" on the State of Black Families & Relationships, and How We Can Move Forward: The Conversation. Part 1

The most we can do to rebuild self-esteem and trust is to continue having conversations with others while concentrating on our shared values, beliefs, and commitments.

 ~Hill Harper

 Part 1.

 Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed your Valentine’s Day, and your celebration was meaningful. My weekend was fun, thanks to the unusual snowfall in the Southeast. Our winter wonderland was perfect for a cosy fire, some good wine, and heart-warming comfort food. Besides going out for an urban snow shoot (Eye of Horus, left), the weather conditions made for a good time to resume writing for our topic of the month--romance and Black history. 

In the previous blog we began our discussion of Hill Harper’s new book, The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships. A Harvard graduate, accomplished author and actor, Hill tackled this journey of discovery with thoughtful, objective inquiry. Hill starts right from the beginning with what I’ve summed up as the "inconvenient truth" of the current state of Black families and relationships:

• we seem to be regressing.
• socio-economic, trans-generational psychological factors (stress/conditioning), a deficit of emotional (trust, anger, vulnerability) and spiritual (self-worth, decency, character, kindness) factors affecting our ability to connect.
• sharp decline in children being raised in two-parent households.
• black women are viewed as angry, distrustful, ball-busters (my shorthand).
• black men are viewed as irresponsible, cheating, ne'er-do-wells who expect the world but hardly bring anything to the table; and when they do have something to offer they take it elsewhere (as well my paraphrasing)
• four decades of shrinking Black relationships.
• inherited cultural & emotional baggage
• self division & mistrust

 Any of these are hot-button issues some might avoid in discussion, however, Hill invites us to do just that by engaging “The Conversation.” By featuring this book on DeepDish, I am in essence saying I’m up for it. Are you?

Journey of Discovery
The beauty of universalizing experience is that we can share it and make a difference in others' lives. The Conversation facilitates us through Hill’s journey to confront these inconvenient truths, separate myth from reality, and arrive at a sober, pragmatic grown-up approach to relationship in the Black community.


Like many journeys of discovery, The Conversation began with a private conversation, the conversation with the person staring back in the mirror. In a moment of self-awareness, accountability, and refreshing authenticity Hill acknowledged that the change we seek begins with ourselves, who we are, and how we are showing up in the world. The foundation of an enduring, fulfilling relationship begins with “aligning what we say with what we mean and what we do.” Instead of looking for “the right one,” start by being the right person. This radical makeover requires debunking the myths, memes, and misconceptions of Black love/relationships (presented in the book in juicy voyeuristic style). The purpose of this soul-searching reality check is so we can each take responsibility to quit negative, derogatory, destructive talk about ourselves, our race/community, and our relationships. Having cleansed our psyches of self/mate-defeating attitudes we are then ready to fill the void with constructive expectations that can generate the healthy, fulfilling relationships we deserve.


Evaluating Hill’s research from a philosophical view led me to revisit a paper written in graduate psychology, Healing Historic Trauma in African-American Communities, which likewise proposed corrective recapitulation through group discussion. Great ideas inevitably find their time (and affinities). Historic trauma is conceptualized as a “behavioral toxin” resulting from premeditated race-related violence, that causes fear, anxiety, and stress, and affects the psychosocial functioning of individuals and communities. As well, cumulative retraumatization in the form of overt and covert prejudice and discrimination contribute to intergenerational transmission through families and the social environment of those who experienced historic trauma first hand. Particularly relevant in the case of unresolved historic trauma is that avoidance of communication, denial and repression, has detrimental physical and psychological effects. Silence had as much impact as open discussion. The conclusion of research is that to salve the painful process of integration of historic traumatic experience a socially approved structure is conducive to legitimize and memorialize extreme, sustained trauma.


Historic trauma in context of our discussion is the same as what Robin and Don Watkins (that heroic couple in The Conversation) referred to as “the Black American experience.“ It is symptomatic in what Hill described when he stated, “we seem to be regressing; socio-economic, trans-generational psychological factors, and a deficit of emotional (inherited cultural and emotional baggage) and spiritual factors (self division and mistrust) affecting our ability to connect.” The crucial value of considering these realities is that knowledge empowers. Rather than allowing unresolved injustices to immobilize us, we can take charge of the opportunity to demonstrate our own resilience and resourcefulness. Other communities have done it; so can we. Hill astutely arrived at a similar conclusion that only thorough open, honest communication with a focus on “shared values, beliefs, and commitments” can we gain health and resolution.


Exhale! Wooo! I know, confronting the issue of historic trauma head-on might feel a bit heavy in the afterglow of the weekend celebration of hearts and flowers. However, since it is also Black History Month, reframing “the Black experience” as a universal experience of historic trauma serves well to enlighten, and give focus on how to move forward confidently in making commitments, be it to go for that second date, or the renewal of vows. Given his activism to foster self-esteem and determination through his foundation, Manifest Your Destiny, celebrity author/actor, Hill is naturally a likely leader to facilitate the framework proposed. I’ve been very excited to witness the surge of support on Twitter and Facebook for this installment of Hill’s career. From individuals sharing their personal insights to the swell of book clubs and book signings, The Conversation is clearly making the intended impact. But this is not a book that you breeze through and put aside, it is something to be worked through…over time.


In view of my own findings, I would like to see permanent, enduring installations around The Conversation's major themes: integration of historic trauma on a personal and community level, honesty (and clarity) in articulating our needs and values, our personal responsibility in upholding commitments, beliefs, and shared values, and the path of commitment as a means of freedom and authentic happiness. We’ve just covered the initial part--the diagnosis, if you will, the observable factors we are looking to modify. Let's stay together as we discuss the remaining themes in the next two blogs. In the meantime, get a copy of The Conversation, if you haven’t already. You might also gain more by joining the a book club, Twibe, or Facebook group online or organizing one in your community.


Thank you so much for your repeat patronage. Have a superb week.

An individual has not started living

until he can rise above the narrow confines

of his individualistic concerns

to the broader concerns of all humanity.

~Martin Luther King, Jr.